I do a lot of thinking. In fact, sometimes I’m convinced that I think far too much. My mind is constantly inundated with racing thoughts and recollections of the past. I don’t necessarily have regrets about things in my past, I just tend to dwell on certain situations and conversations. I’ll be driving in my car or riding my bike and the exact words of a conversation I had months ago will incontrovertibly run through my head. My flashbacks oftentimes have the power to dictate my moods, as impossible as that seems.
Like I said, I don’t regret anything. I will, however, be the first to admit that I haven’t always made the best decisions. I know I’ve hurt people and I’ve hurt myself along the way many times. I can’t take that back. I guess my issue lies in the fact that I regularly contemplate how things could have been. Even as recently as a few months ago, I can see how my life has drastically evolved to where I am now. I’m not unhappy with the direction I have headed, although I can’t help but to think that a different outcome could possibly have been a lot happier. Of course, I’ll never know as I can’t turn back time or change the decisions that not only I have made but others have made as well. It’s strange how life works.
As a kid, I was always making plans for my future. I thought I had it all figured out. In fourth grade my teacher told me to never plan things or set things completely in stone because everything always changes. It may not turn out anything like you imagined. Now, of course as a fourth grader I quickly brushed off what would one day be one of the best lessons I was ever taught. It wasn’t until this year that I realized how truthful her words really were. I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last 12 months. My eyes have especially been opened to the many weaknesses I possess as hurtful as those revelations have been. I’ve found that through struggle and heartache comes real growth even though I don’t always understand why things happen the way they do and sometimes am entirely aggravated by a lot of it.
Sure, life could be a lot different right now, but different doesn’t necessarily mean better. People come and go. Friends you thought you’d have forever suddenly disappear from your life altogether. Relationships change in unexplainable ways. Your desires, beliefs, philosophies, and convictions have the potential to transform dramatically. These changes are sometimes entirely unwelcome and can bring along with them emotions and hardships that will really shake you up. Other times, the changes can be positive and aid in building your character. Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. That is a kind of death.
